How my Mom cured Covid and caused a climate disaster!

#MomCuresCovid

  • Jun. 17, 2022: Original publication date of this blog post.
  • Jun. 18: Post goes viral. #MomCuresCovid becomes top Twitter hashtag of all time as billions of people share the post.
  • Jul. 1: Price of incense skyrockets across the world. Speculators start hoarding sage. Onion futures reach an all time high on the Chicago Commodities Exchange.
  • Jul. 2 early morning: The Oxford dictionary picks frankincense as the word of the year.
  • Jul. 3: My mom is simultaneously nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Medicine.
  • Jul. 7: Donald Trump tells a rally in Florida that he recommends eating raw onions as a cure for Covid and meant to propose incense burning in the same speech where he talked about injecting bleach.
  • Jul. 9 late afternoon: Scientists point out that there is absolutely no empirical evidence to support the efficacy of onions and incense in fighting any viral disease. Like Ever. Onion futures collapse on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.
  • Jul. 10: Fire Departments in a dozen major cities and hundreds of municipalities beg citizens to stop burning incense indoors as it’s significantly increasing the number of false smoke detector alarms and 911 calls.
  • Jul. 12: A class action lawsuit is filed on behalf of indigenous peoples everywhere against my Mom for false advertising. [Footnote: Oct. 27, 2028: The lawsuit is eventually settled out of court with each complainant receiving a complimentary pound of onions.]
  • Aug. 5: Climate scientists cry foul as air pollution levels rocket to levels never before seen. Climate change models have to be recalculated to account for additional air pollution caused by my irresponsible post. CNN headlines compare the situation to the eruption of Krakatoa in the nineteenth century.
  • Aug. 9: The Nobel Committee rescinds my Mom’s prizes. I go into hiding.
  • Aug. 12: The Government of New Zealand bans incense burning and limits onion purchases to only two per household per week. A black market in incense flourishes as prices skyrocket.
  • Nov. 8: Covid rates drop dramatically but no one can tell whether this was going to happen anyway or whether the onion and incense burning caused it. Public debate on the internet rages on for years.
  • Jan. 12, 2032: The CDC reports that lung cancer rates have tripled over the past decade due to all the indoor pollution caused by incense burning.
  • Apr. 1, 2035: I am posthumously awarded the Ig Noble Prize.

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Ben Fathi

Former {CTO at VMware, VP at Microsoft, SVP at Cisco, Head of Eng & Cloud Ops at Cloudflare}. Recovering distance runner, avid cyclist, newly minted grandpa.